The One Where I Had an Eating Disorder

I've suffered with weight and body issues as long as I can remember. When I was middle school I started an unhealthy relationship with food that ruled my life. Now, 20 plus years later, counting my macros has helped me get my power back from food.

I remember thinking "I'm so fat" in middle school. I was 12. I have no idea how tall I was, but seeing as I'm 5'3" now at 36, I wasn't very tall. I couldn't tell you what I weighed, I'm not even sure we had a scale in the house. But at 12 years old I decided I was huge. Keep in mind this was in the 90's and the emphasis on health wasn't around then.

Of course, I didn't just decide I was fat by myself. I had family members and friends telling me that I was fat too.

Think about that for a minute. Influential people telling a 12 year old they were fat. 12 where your body is starting to go through lots of changes. Where your hormones are starting to do new things and your body starts to take a different shape. Instead, they focused on telling me how large I was. I have a niece who turns 12 in 6 months and I would be devastated if anyone talked to her like that. My heart would break if she talked about herself like that.

Lasting Memories

When I was in 7th grade, we did a fundraiser with candy parfaits. It was a milkshake glass filled with candy. I remember buying tickets to try and win one. There were 4 of them and I think I bought over 30 tickets (I ended up winning most tickets bought and got to take one home). I overheard one of my friends, supposedly one of my best friends, making fun of me to other kids about how "of course she'd want one she'd eat the whole thing herself since she's such a cow".

There was another time when I had some friends spend the night and my parents made us pancakes for breakfast. One of my parents asked my friends if they wanted more and I said I wanted more. The answer I got back was "oink oink Julie" from the same parent. I laughed it off, but obviously it got to me. Especially since it was being told in front of my friends.

In 8th grade, when I was 13 or 14, my friend got sick and missed school for over a week. Coincidentally, it was the same friend I overheard make fun of me and call me a cow. Anyway, when she got back to school after being gone all that time and she told me that she lost 12 pounds while she was sick because she couldn't eat anything. She quickly followed with a "you should try it sometime" before laughing and walking away.

My Struggles

After she made this comment to me, I started skipping meals or only eating half of what I had. I remember it wasn't a conscious decision. It just started happening. Meaning, I don’t remember sitting down and saying “ok we are going to stop eating now”. I never skipped a whole day and I definitely never would let someone notice what I was doing. Sometimes I'd eat half my lunch at school and throw away the rest and then say I wasn't hungry for dinner. Sometimes I'd just skip lunch and then would eat dinner. There was no rhyme or reason, I was just convinced that eating less would make me thinner and therefore happier.

Sometimes skipping meals was hard. Or I'd end up eating way too much. This is when I started figuring out that I could eat and then throw up shortly after. I didn't do this a lot. I typically only did it after a full day of eating what felt like everything. Again, I was trying to hide what I was doing, so doing it too frequently wasn't an option. Plus, ultimately I didn't like how it made me feel.

At some point I learned about diet pills.

Diet pills seemed like the perfect solution for me. I could still eat without people noticing I was skipping meals. I could eat and not have to go to the bathroom shortly after. Since I was 13 or 14 though, it's not like anyone would sell them to me. So I resorted to stealing them (clearly not my finest, or brightest moment). Some days I'd take multiple pills because if 1 was good, then 3 or 4 was even better right?

Luckily, this wasn't a daily occurance.

Lowest Point

It's kinda funny, but for someone who was obsessed with weight, I don't remember tracking my weight during these years. Maybe I did and I blocked it? I think my lowest point, or at least the point I realized I really had a problem, was my during my freshman year and sophomore years of high school. Freshman year was hard. I joined the colorguard which was a part of our marching band. We practiced all summer one night a week and then for a full week before school started. Band Camp. Band Camp was at the end of August and is typically very HOT in Colorado. So it wasn't unusual for band and colorguard members to take off their shirts and practice in sports bras (or shirtless for the guys). Suddenly, I was surrounded by all of these perfect girls who were so much more confident in their bodies. Or at least they were perfect and confident to me.

In attempts to be like them, I started back on skipping meals again.

This was a really poor decision when so much is required out of you at band camp. 8+ hours a day of basically working out in the sun is not a good time to severely restrict your calories. This happened on an off for the next year into my sophomore year. It happened outside of band camp too. Band season was just when I felt like I was under a microscope.

I never was "bad enough" that anyone knew who I didn't want to know. I was never hospitalized. I do remember getting very faint at a band practice and having to sit out for part of the practice though.

I was lucky that I found a patient soul on AOL Messenger (remember that??) who I felt like I could open up to. He would encourage me and help me. Often times, I'd eat only to make him happy. I'm blessed to still be his friend all these years later. When we talk about that time then, he refers to it as “the time I scolded you” 😜

I was then also very lucky to have an amazing boyfriend in highschool who gave me in person, what my friend on AOL did online. He was very observant and would put it together and keep track of what I was eating. Since I was with him so much, it was hard to hide from him that I wouldn't eat a lot. By this time, I had mostly moved past the pills and the purging. But there were days he'd beg me to eat. Eventually, with a lot of his help, I moved past it. My eating disorder became something I had dealt with and not a current struggle by the last 2 years of high school.

Was I 100% cured though? No. I never really fixed the reason why I felt like my size mattered so much. I never fixed my relationship with food. So instead of extremely restricting it, I switched to turning to food when I was upset.

How Macros Helped Me Gain My Control Back

Fast forward through the rest of high school where by luck I graduated at 110 pounds. The number is significant to me because at 110 pounds I wasn't allowed to donate blood in our senior blood drive. Fast forward through college where I slowly started to gain weight back. I blame alcohol and lack of exercise on that one. Fast forward to after college where I worked in retail and ate out all the time and worked out even less than in college. Fast forward to 2010 when I lost 40 pounds by trading my addiction to food to an addiction to the gym. Fast forward to 2017 when I first learned about macros.

In 2017, feeling frustrated that I had gained all of my 40 pounds back I found out about macros. I got a macros coach and started to get serious again. I lost 20 pounds fairly quickly, not as quickly as I did 7 years prior but it still felt quick to me! Then I got injured and wasn't able to work out. Instead of fine tuning my nutrition, I went back to my old habits and used food to ease my frustrations. Food became my crutch again. And much quicker than when I lost it, those 20 pounds came back.

In 2019 I started REALLY following macros again. Suddenly it just clicked. Food was no longer good or bad. Food was numbers to fit into a puzzle. Either the numbers fit or they didn't fit. No more did I feel bad for eating Chick-fil-a as long as I made it fit. If I wanted a "treat" I just made it fit. Usually by planning my next day around that treat. Food no longer had this power over me. I didn't see food as "clean" or "dirty". I didn't see it as "healthy" or "unhealthy". It was just food. This is why I love macros! I can eat things I enjoy and make them fit. I don't feel deprived. I don't end up binging or severally restricting myself.

I should qualify that I'm still young in my macros journey. At this point, I'm more focused on fitting my main numbers. I'm not as focused on my micronutrients. I'm still working on how I can hit my macronutrients consistently. In my opinion, there isn't a right or wrong way to do macros. Macros are a tool on my health journey. I'm going to continue to focus on hitting my macros and listen to my body.

** If you or someone you love are struggling with an eating disorder, the following resources may be helpful. You can also reach out to a local counselor or therapist. Most insurances will cover at least some mental health visits.

The One Where I Had an Eating Disorder

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