The One Where I Lost Motivation

Ever had a great week or month(s) of progress and then suddenly hit a wall? Yeah me too....

Can I be real with you for a minute? I mean really real. June was rough for me y'all. Honestly, part of me is really kicking myself for letting it get to me so much. The other part of me is trying to accept it is what it is. I had such a good May in regards to my weight loss and health journey. Remember how I did the Tighter Together Challenge with Madeline Moves and felt like I kicked butt in it? I stuck to my macros for the whole month and missed only a few of the workouts. (I linked my experience with the challenge above). I was so excited to keep the momentum going!

Then life happened.

In so many ways, things felt great. I started regular therapy appointments. Things started clicking in my Plexus business. I started this website. I felt happier. Maybe I was just hiding from my real feelings. Maybe I was trying to move on and forward. Maybe I was afraid if I didn't focus on the things that were great that my anxiety would revert back to the extremes again (I've been writing a post to tell you how extreme it felt to me but its a hard one. I'll link it here once I finish it).

So what went wrong?

In reality, nothing really went wrong. We are human and we are going to stumble in our journeys. Have you ever seen those posts about what success looks like versus what you think it should be? It's true for any kind of journey; a health journey, a mental health journey, a career journey- anything really! Logically I know this.

Accepting this is a challenge for me though. I feel like I'm constantly comparing my chapter to someone else's finished book. I also still really struggle with the idea that I need to be perfect everyday. Especially when it comes to my daily goals. I'm slowly starting to understand that 20% output is better than 0%. Meaning making one healthy decision in my day is better than making zero healthy decisions. Going to the gym once a week is better than going zero times. Moving my body for 10 mins a day is better than zero minutes. You get what I'm putting down here? Chasing perfection is damaging. At least for me. Chasing perfection leads to me giving up when I inventability fail to be perfect (as we all will).

I also struggled a lot with my mental health. My anxiety wasn't as debilitating as it was in previous months, but I really was overcome with grief. Grief comes in all forms and not just due to the death of a loved one. A relationship I put a lot of myself into ended earlier this year. After a couple of months of trying to "just be friends" we realized we couldn't and ended things for good. To say this has been hard on me would be an understatement. I know I am a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man in my life to be happy and to be fulfilled. That doesn't make my heartache any less real though. It doesn't make my best friend come back. My heart still hurts for what I lost. Everytime I pick up my phone to text something to him and realize I can't. Everytime I see of our "things" out and about. Every night that I go to bed without getting to say good night. So although my struggle wasn't identical to what I've already experienced this year, I still struggled none the less. To be honest, I'm not sure how this translated to me not focusing on myself and my goals. Especially because I felt sadder previously. I legitimately felt happier in June than I did earlier this year. I think one of the things I struggled with the most was that it felt like I've been grieving for too long. My therapist is helping me understand that it takes as long as it takes to grieve and there is no set time. I need to take as much time as it takes to heal myself. I'm realizing that part of healing myself isn't just giving up on everything else. I'm starting to realize that having personal goals doesn't mean that I'm all put back together again. It doesn't take away from my grieving experience. They compliment each other not exclude one another.

I literally did not lift weights once in June. I didn't track macros once. I wasn't smart and focus on protein or make any healthy food choices on purpose. I DID however go on weekly walks with a friend who is like a sister to me. I DID take my plexus supplements pretty much every day. I might have missed one or two days but not more than that. So when I weighed in and took measurements today I shouldn't have been surprised with my results. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. But, I was still disappointed. I pretty much lost all of the progress I had made in May.

Tomorrow is a New Day

So now what? I pick myself up and keep going that's what. I focus on the good strides I'm making and celebrate the effort I'm putting in. I plan my meals again and attempt to hit my macros. I don't beat myself up if I falter from my daily goals. I remember that success isn't a straight line but more of a squiggly one. It's ok if I take a break for a bit. It's ok if I'm not swimming in the deep end of the pool everyday with the swim team. Some days, it's ok for me to spend some time in the lazy river wearing pool floaties. I realize there is no start or stop to this journey. I focus on the fact that I'm in the driver's seat. My chapter 12 doesn't have to look the same as anyone else's chapter 1, 2, 12 or even 25. The more I focus on me and my goals, and the less I focus on comparing myself to anyone else, the better I'll be. The happier I’ll be. The more successful I’ll be. Most importantly, I will allow myself to grieve and heal but try not to let it take over my life. I will allow the moments to happen. I will feel the feelings and realize this is part of my chapter book too. Trying to ignore it would make my story incomplete.

I’m also going to reimplement Rachel Hollis’ Five to Thrive into my July. I already do the gratitude portion. However, instead of giving up a food category I may give up a negative behavior. I’m thinking this out in real time as I type this, so I’m not 100% sure yet. Either way, I'm going to make more efforts to focus on the positive habits that this practice will help grow.

Here's to a positive, happy and fulfilling month!