The One With All the Anxiety

My Anxiety was getting out of control so I decided to start seeing a therapist. I've done some other things that have helped too. Honestly, this was the toughest post to date I've written -- so please bear with me if it seems all over the place. It's also the post I've spent the most time trying to write (about 6 months).

We've all had those feelings of anxiety. That feeling of intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. I'd argue that it's normal to experience these emotions at some point in your life. I was getting to a point where the feelings weren't just occasional though. It felt constant to me. It was causing lasting depression. Not just the situational depression that again, I'd argue is normal for everyone to experience from time to time. It was hard to get out of bed. I was having more frequent anxiety and panic attacks. Basic tasks like brushing my teeth were challenging and hard to achieve. I really was all over the place.

Turning Point

I had a really rough few months earlier this year (I touched on some of this in this post The One Where I Lost Motivation). I went through a really rough break up. It really shook me to my core. It was a relationship that I put so much of myself into and then when it was gone, I was lost. I was also struggling with both of my jobs - feelings of worth, acceptance and am I even supposed to being doing this. I was questioning my path. Was I doing the right thing? I was feeling so under appreciated that I questioned daily why am I even here? I was feeling all the range of feelings about the fact that I wasn't working out and I was gaining weight. I would swing from eating everything to eating nothing due to lack of appetite. I was struggling with spiritual matters. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. Someone who is like a brother to me was extra struggling with their addictions and I was bending over backwards to support them. Being with large groups of people, even my family or church family (whom I adore), were tougher than usual to handle. My inner voice that tells me how worthless I am was getting louder and louder. To the point that it was deafening. I was letting a very negative influence in my life have too much power. My sleeping patterns were very messed up. There were some nights I couldn’t sleep at all. There were other times I slept all day and night and couldn't get out of bed. All of this felt like it was piling on top of me and happening all at once. I started suffering from more anxiety attacks. For me anxiety attacks feel like the room is getting smaller. My chest feels tight. My mind goes on rapid fire of all the things that not only could but will definitely go wrong. It's all I can focus on. My daily anxiety was also getting worse and less manageable. When I get super anxious I tend to lash out at anything or anyone around me to try to give my feelings a home. Or a reason why I'm feeling that way. I often will be snappy and upset when my plans don't go the way "they are supposed to". Basically, I'm a real treat. Instead of this being occasional behavior though, it was becoming the norm. Pair that with the anxiety attacks I was in my own personal hell.

I felt like I was a bottom of a pit and there was no ladder.

I was worried that I didn't deserve to be better. That I had screwed up enough that I was destined to be upset, sad and anxious forever. What really pushed me to realize that I wasn't ok and needed more help was when I took to more extreme measures to feel better. There were 3 or 4 times that the anxiety felt so crushing and debilitating that I was convinced it would never go away. This was when I started cutting myself to feel relief. For me it wasn't about ending my life. I wasn't cutting places where I would be in serious danger. I was using my razor and cutting my upper leg. Logically, even then, I knew this wasn't healthy. But at the time, the endorphins that this released was the only thing that made it so I could breath. It allowed me to focus on something other than the feelings like I was being crushed. It was almost an instant rush of calm. Please don't mistake my openness here as an endorsement for this behavior. This is not a healthy behavior. It can be really dangerous. I want you to know where I was, how lost I felt, and how trapped I felt so you understand where I am now. I can't do this without telling you all the things. I'm also not ashamed of where I was because I am proud of where I am now. I couldn't be who I am today without acknowledging where I came from.

Seeking Professional Help

In the back of my mind, I've always thought that talking to a therapist or counselor was too expensive. It was something I wanted to do, but was worried it would cause more stress and anxiety than help. When I decided that I didn't want to be in my dark pit anymore I first reached out to my Relief Society President. (Read this post about some basics about my church). She provided me some FREE resources here in Northern Colorado. I'll post them below in case you are in my area and want to take advantage of them. I didn't feel like I wanted to be in a group yet (which was the primary resource I was finding). She also told me about resources through our church (I listed some of those as well below). If you are a member of the Church, I recommend talking to your leaders as many areas will also provide counseling (in our case, it's a very highly sought after resource and the counselors that volunteer their time have a long wait for their services).

I then reached out to my friend/family member/HR manager/Bishop (you could say he's a pretty important guy in my life 😂). Since he has the advantage of knowing the resources available from the church AND our insurance benefits this was extra helpful. First he reached out through the Church and found out that none of the therapists in our area that take our insurance were also members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not totally crucial, but if it would have worked out that would have been a good match since they know the background of my religious beliefs. Then he told me how much our insurance will cover and gave me a referral number to start the process through our insurance.

At least through my insurance, getting the therapy sessions covered and finding an in network provider was actually pretty painless. Within 24-48 hours of getting the referral I had an appointment. I know there is a stigma out there that everything takes forever in the healthcare industry, especially referrals. Don't let that deter you from using this as resource though to get help.

It's really important that you feel a connection with your therapist/counselor! You need to feel comfortable with them so that you don't hold anything back. It doesn't do you or them any good if you can't be open. You won't make progress and you are ultimately just wasting not only their time but more importantly your time if you are hiding things. If you don't feel a connection with your therapist then don't feel bad about switching. I've heard someone who went through 11 different therapists before they found the right fit for them.

Techniques That Are Helping Me

Important distinction. Notice I said are Helping me. Not Helped. I'm not cured - in fact I believe that anxiety is one of those things you'll never be cured of. That doesn't mean you can't do things to help you manage and make the feelings less intense, at least on a constant basis. When an particularly intense day/feeling/etc comes up then you can be better equipped to handle it.

I have found that it is harder to live in a place of anxiety if I'm living in a place of gratitude. I can't be grateful and anxious at the same time.

Rachel Hollis has a great philosophy about gratitude and anxiety. One of the things that helped her overcome her own anxiety, is practicing gratitude. She looks for 5 small things everyday to be grateful for. Small things y'all. Not your friends, not your family, not your kids, not your job. Not even Heavenly Father. It should almost be a given that you are thankful for these things. If you look for small things, and know that you will have to write them down everyday, then you'll be constantly looking for them throughout the day. Some smaller things I've been thankful for over the past several months are Snuggles from Abbey, my nephew telling me in his cute 4 year old voice "Good bye Julie I will miss you", Watching football with my family, Building legos with my best friend, Seeing a rainbow on the way home from work, My nephew telling me "your lips are red and sparkly like heat wave", my 2 year old niece running up to me and saying "yay! my Julie is here" or her telling me “I love my Julie”, taking my niece and nephew trick or treating, be told by the 4 year old that he loves me more than Starbursts, taking my mom to lunch, etc. I write these in my Start Today Journal inspired by Rach herself. She sells them here but I totally just make my own. If you choose to make your own, then this podcast episode will help walk you through it: Rise podcast - Episode

72.

It's ok to not be ok

I really felt a lot of shame when I was in my dark pit. I felt like I wasn't "normal". I was afraid of what people would think if I told them I was struggling so much. So I kept it in for a long time. Then one day, after I had started therapy, I realized it's ok to not be ok. Everyone is going to have waves of emotions. Nothing is "perfect" all the time. It's normal to struggle from time to time. I've really realized that it's ok to acknowledge how you are feeling. But you can't camp out there forever. When I told my therapist about this, he said something like "yes! I wish more people understood this". Just because you are struggling now doesn't mean you are destined to stay in this dark space. So take a moment, take a day or two and be not ok. Then make a decision to start changing your mindset and work on being more ok. You've got this and I KNOW you'll find a way to do this!

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. 2 Nephi 2:25 (Book of Mormon)

Jody Moore offers monthly online coaching. To introduce you to this program, Be Bold, she does a webinar titled "Overcoming Anxiety". In this she focuses on 5 things to help overcome anxiety. One of them, I've already talked about - It's ok to not be ok. Another thing she talks about is that there is such a negative stigma around mental health. So we feel ashamed when we have perceived negative emotions. Instead of accepting this, or acknowledging these feelings, we hide ourselves behind our phones, or in substances, or with food. We have such a small vocabulary for identifying our emotions that we often don't know how to label what we are feeling. Jody encourages you to stop and really feel the emotion. How does your stomach feel? How does your head feel? Do you feel scared? etc. Really feel the emotion so you can more accurately describe it. She also emphasizes that the human life is meant to have contrast. We have this idea that the perfect life is one without conflict or strife. But that's so far from the truth! We wouldn't know joy if we didn't know sorrow. Accepting that I need the "bad" in order to know the "good" really helped. It goes hand in hand with its ok with not being ok.

Talk it out

I'm blessed to have several people in my life who are willing to let me ramble and repeat myself. They offer great advice even if they have to tell it to me more than once. My friends were a great resource while I was suffering from a broken heart. I realized that for my other issues, like anxiety and cutting, that I needed more professional help. I've already mentioned how I came to get the help. I can't recommend getting a therapist enough!

Move Your Body

I'm the first to admit that moving my body when I'm feeling extra anxious or depressed is the last thing I want to do. But it really helps. According to an article from Anxiety and Depression Association of America, a 10 minute walk may be just as good as a 45 min workout. They go on to say that "One vigorous exercise session can help alleviate symptoms for hours, and a regular schedule may significantly reduce them over time". You can read the full article here. We all know the quote that exercise makes you happy. That's because when you exercise, you body releases endorphins. These endorphins then trigger positive feelings. So even if you don't "feel like it" try and move your body every day. Go for a walk, play with the kids, take a gym class, do some yoga, lift the weights - just move your body! (Hint, being grateful for the body God gave you and the ability to move it could be one of your 5 gratitude things too)

Supplements/Medication

When I started seeing my therapist, he talked to me about starting medication. I’m not totally opposed to it. I know it helps lots of people. In general, I take a more natural approach to life and wanted to exhaust all of my other options before I started a prescription. Again, not knocking prescription medication. It is life saving to many. I still asked if I could try something more natural first though. I explained how Plexus has a clinically proven probiotic to help with feelings of stress and improve mood*. He asked me if I’ve tried them before. I have, but I wasn't super consistent with them. It was almost like when I felt really "bad" I was so desperate for help that I took it regularly. Then when I started to feel "better" I'd forget to take them. I did notice a difference after 2-3 weeks of consistent use though. I felt calmer. The feelings of anxiety didn’t get to the point of the walls caving in on me. Key note here. Notice I didn't say my anxiety went away completely. But this probiotic helps keep it under control. You can read about it and get some here.

Another supplement that is helping me is Omegas. I prefer a plant based one that has not only Omega 3 but also Omegas 6 & 9 and Omegas 5 & 7. I love this one here. I definitely notice a difference, maybe even more than with the probiotic! Also, because it's plant based, I don't get those embarrassing fish burps. Additionally, I found a fascinating article on how the fatty acids in Omegas, specifically omega 3's, can help with anxiety in those who were not previously diagnosed with it. The full article is short and you can read it here if you'd like to see their full conclusion.

I'm testing a few other supplements that were recommended to be my a friend but at the time of writing this I've only been on them a week, so I'll update you once I've been on them for a month or longer. Stay Tuned!

Resources

Here are some resources that you might find helpful if you are suffering from anxiety and/or depression.

• If it's an emergency please dial 911

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration has this website and a free nationwide number: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

• Colorado Crisis Services. ColoradoCrisisservices.org 1-844-493-8255. They are available to talk, chat, text or walk in 24/7

• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has chapters all over. For the local northern colorado chapter visit namilarimer.org. This is no cost.

• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has these resources. You can also find them in your gospel library app.

* These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.